What’s the Point

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Sometimes I read through my old blog posts, especially around the beginning of the year because I like to recap the last year in my head.

Today, I found myself reading them and wondering “What’s the point?” Not the point of blogging, I fully understand that it is nothing more than a cathartic expression of my frustrations while I’m harrassed by life in general. (Fourth paragraph down to see the reference, Seth will appreciate that link)

But more to the problem of “What’s the point” of my life. I’ve listened to enough sermons to have a solid theology on it, but sometimes that theology feels so empty and dry.

Can I exist as a warm body forever? Does the Kingdom need another one? When do I get to find my place instead of just being a face in the crowd? What is worth fighting for this day in age? I wasn’t born to be a grunt, so why is it that I always end up one?

Death to IE

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Squashing IE bugs, is like trying to kill termintes by steping on them…..you get rid of one, and like 8 million more pop up.

The best is….I fixed something in IE, and it broke the Firefox layout, then I fixed something in Firefox, and it broke like 10 things in IE.

I can’t wait for IE7 to be the norm…they susposedly have fixed all the major layout bugs, and we will be able to actually test that later this summer when a beta comes out.

Damn IE….I hate microsoft so much.

Maybe this is as good as it gets

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Did you ever wonder if this is really as good as it gets. Did you ever feel like you should be feeling something but you don’t know what to feel. Have you ever bounced between being very apathetic and hypersensitive. Have you ever got tired of the people around you for no apparent reason. Or has everyone around you suddenly started spouting crap that you can barely bare to hear. Have you ever wanted to just get away from everyone but getting away doesn’t make you feel better. Sometimes life just sucks, sometimes it doesn’t. When it sucks, it can really suck, but focusing on how it sucks isn’t going to fix it. So I am going to shut up and go back to sleep, cuz that usually helps.

The painful loss of the Soup

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The chunky soup is no longer on sale. Why God, Why!!!?!?!?!?! Why must you give me a wonderful sale on chunky soup when I couldn’t afford to take full advantage of it, just to take it away when I could….WHY!?!?!?!!!!!!!!

Also, Linux sucks. Thats right, I’m a computer geek, and I said it. Do you know how long Rob and I collectively have been trying to get TV capturing to work so we can make a freevo box. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this thing it is like TiVo. It lets you record and pause live TV with commercial skipping. Sort of like a vcr, only I can play computer movies (mpeg files) or show pictures or anything like that, if the stupid thing would work. Do you know how much work it takes to do anything in linux.
First, you have to install the base distribution cd, then you have to download all these components like the newest php and perl modules, then you have to compile all this crap from source, and then install it. Which, installing in linux is a mysterious process, it is like sometimes you run an installer, which also must be compiled, and sometimes you just copy some files from one place to another and it works, and others you have to copy some files into the source code and recompile everything. I think to make this video card thing work completely right I have recompile my kernel (which is the main deal that makes linux work) and recompile XFree86 and then copy some stuff to the right places, compile that, and do something else. But the main webpage for the drivers tells me I have to just unzip some stuff, which is bogus.

Finally, here is the kicker, after doing all this crap which can take upwards of a day just waiting for the computer to complete this stuff, anything that came with the shiney new distribution (I’ve tried Debian, Slackware, Mandrake, and SuSE) that was specific to that distro, like mandrakes rpmdrake which helps ease some of this pain for other software, is gone. And very hard to get it back, especially to see the nice front end gui that helps me know what I’m doing with this crap. This all just goes to say that I don’t think Linux is going mainstream any time really soon. Not until they can make stuff work across distros, and can make it so that your hardware works without any recompiling anything. Also, no one should bitch about windows being bloatware when I have to keep downloading, or have to have on hand all the source code for everything, because that wastes an ass ton of space.

Maybe later when I’m not thinking about how annoying Linux (and BSD if you are reading this Pete, because it ate my tree so I can’t update the port tree anymore) I’ll write about how my classes went today, because I had some interesting ideas after attending my last class.

So I’m signing off for now.

Home again, home again, fiddle-dee-dee

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Well, I’m home…..home sucks. I have no friends here, that sux. Mom and Dad like to tell me things about the wedding, and sometimes they annoy me about it. Also, I’m tired of getting dumped on about wedding stuff in general. It isn’t like I don’t want to do things for this wedding. In fact, if someone wanted me to do something right now I would. Heck, I could pick out my own tuxes if that was OK, I could do a lot of stuff. And I know that it wouldn’t be good enough if I did do it, so I don’t know why the same isn’t true. Aren’t I allowed to be not happy with some of the work done by the other party. I don’t have to like everything, and I’m allowed to want a full dinner at my wedding if I want feel like that is important. Also, shouldn’t you give somebody something good at the reception if they drive or fly all that way to come to your party. I’m sorry, I don’t have an excuse to throw a party this big and extravagant very often, so I just figure it should be pretty darned big and cool. That means I want dancing, drinking, eating good food, and having a good time. I hate things being too formal or too stuffy, so we want to have Chicago style pizza at the wedding. This wasn’t my idea, but I thought it was a great idea, so that is what we plan to do. But because of this we can’t find a reception hall…that and I think it is ridiculous to have some people cater dry chicken and bloody roast beef if it is going to cost 11$ at least per person….for that much I would rather rent out a big part of cheddars and give everyone burgers. But I hate the idea of cake and punch receptions, I think that is sorta lame, and a boring way to celebrate something this big. What a party…I mean they have cake and punch after graduations for 8th grade, but when somebody gets married that is a bigger event then 8th grade graduation.

Also, I haven’t been sleeping a lot. I don’t know why, but I wake up and have a hard time sleeping again. I usually fall right back asleep, but I haven’t been able to. Also, my house is cold….Mom has the temp set to like 69 degrees….at my house I have it set to 72 usually and I think that is cold, so I’m freezing here. I’m looking forward to lighter weather and In ‘n’ Out Burger later this week in the OC (Orange County for those of you who aren’t hip with the TV shows these days).

So, let me sum this up. A wedding is a celebration…shouldn’t you have a big party, and isn’t it important that you throw a party you are both happy with. Also, shouldn’t you want to take care of your friends and relatives who came all that way to celebrate with you. Finally, I love In ‘n’ Out, it is the best fast food anywhere….I mean where else can you get really full for under 5 dollars.

Thank you, and Goodnight.

A little help here

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So I was looking for some stuff about leaving people who are hurting you in the Bible. I know that it is proven to be therapeutic to leave someone when they are abusive, and to make sure to cut off contact with that person, so as to avoid further abuse. One thing I did like made me think that it is important to expose denial is Ephesians 5:11 and through the the next part of that section goes on to talk about exposing things to the light.

Also I was reading about false memory syndrome, where a counselor plants a memory that never happened in your head and convinces you that it is real, and that is some scary stuff. I would hate to have a counselor or hypnotist planting memories in my head….that would suck.

Sometimes researching this stuff makes me sick….People are disgusting. The back and forth….the you abused me, your making that up, your in denial, and all that….it is hard to sort out. There are patterns that people fit into that distinguish, at least to some extent, who is lying and who is telling the truth. I just wish there was a definitive way to prove it….psychology is such a guessing game….maybe I should call my cousin….he almost has his clinical psychology PHD completed…maybe he can help. He is one of the best people I know….he really wants to help people, and is openly willing to admit when he was wrong (something I find many psychologist lack) which is really cool.

Enough of this depressing crap…g’night….tomorrow I’m off to a funeral, which promises to be completely wonderful because I get to be a Paul–bearer for the first time ever….(!notice sarcasm is used here!)

If I were an animal

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If I were an animal I would be a monkey, because then I could fling poo and not get in trouble for it. And I would have a tail that acted almost like another hand….how cool would that be. I wish I had a tail now…I would be a better solderer if I had a tail….like Jim says, “The worlds best solderer has three hands” and I would!

So if anyone was wondering I was sorta bummed yesterday for a lot of reasons, but a big one was that my good family friend Barb Bennett from Thawville died unexpectedly yesterday. I don’t know from what yet because I haven’t heard the results of the autopsy. My parents don’t want me to go to the funeral (where my brothers and I are susposed to be pual-bearers) because I have lab then and they don’t want me to miss it. But whatever, this will work out somehow.

Anyway, if I wasn’t a monkey I would be a mountain goat…because they climb mountains and have long fur….and look funny. That or a lemur, which is another kind of monkey, but hey, they are funny looking monkeys.

Life, Depression, and Everything

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So why is it that when it rains it pours? Haven’t I had enough? Isn’t school enough by itself at the end of the semester that I shouldn’t have all these other problems? Why is that a sick family can’t see past themselves to get help? Why is denial such a powerful inhibitor of regular senses? Why do important people in your life seem to die at the end of semesters? Why does a wedding bring out the worst in a family? Why do people think it takes a week to get from southern California to Washington state? Why do mothers say things to tear their children down? Why do abused people abuse their children? Why can’t we let go of the people who are hurting us? Why do Christians excuse their abusive language by saying “they really take everything to heart” or just flat out saying that you are delusional, and denying things ever happened? Why is painfully obvious to outside people that a family is not healthy and in denial, but on the inside everything is susposedly OK, and always will be? Why does a Christian man let his wife run his life and his house, and always make excuses for her instead of getting the help she needs? Why does anyone think that marrige is one person running the others life…isn’t it susposed to be a partnership? Why does God ask us to do really hard stuff, when he could just do it faster and better on his own? Why does God call some people to full time ministry only to give them dying churches with little hope of regrowing it? Why are so many full time pastors medicated for depression….shouldn’t God take care of that so they can do their jobs better? Why is it that sometimes the only way to protect yourself emotionally is to hurt someone else by seperating from them? Why does my brain always seem darker on the inside when it is darker outside (in the winter)? Why is life so high sometimes, and so low others? Why do people die? Why do I feel a need to write all my rambling crap on the internet so other people can read it?

I guess the answer is probably 42.

Selfishness, and Mario Kart

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Well, it’s December, and along with that comes advent, Christmas present shopping, and outreach missions to the poor. And all I can think about now is how much I don’t care about all that stuff. I kinda like giving presents to people, I sort of enjoy helping poor people, but all things given, I could care a lot more about these things. I have been thinking a lot about some things lately that I believe God is going to ask me to do before long, and I’m not really happy about it. This has led me to a lot of different thoughts. One of which that I find most interesting is the idea of selfishness. Specifically, I believe that we all become Christians for selfish reasons. I think that there is one thing that drives everyone in Christianity, and that is the “what can I get from this” mentality. Everyone wants either eternal salvation, or the benefits in life that Christianity gives us. Every thing we do in life that we think God is asking us to do is for the hope that our lives will be better because we do this. We say things like “God has a plan for us” and go on with our lives following what we think God wants us to do so that we can follow this plan. This is all so that we can get a better situation then we are in. A better life, a better way of doing things, a better answer to life’s problems. But the question is, what makes us stay the course when God asks us to die for him, or to do something that we think sucks for him. What would life be like if my Dad took that high profile job with the city of Indianapolis that the mayor offered him instead of doing what God asked him, what would have happened if he continued on with his acting career instead of becoming a pastor…would he be on Broadway, would he be on TV, would he have a lot more money and have an easier life. Who knows, but instead he takes crap from old ladies every day who don’t want to change anything in the church, and deals with the stress of an entire church full of people dropping their crap on him all the time. Is it that sometimes we are destined for greatness in the world and God asks us to give that up? And how much does that suck when that happens. I know there is a whole lot of good things that come from giving up your place in the world of success to follow God, but where does my selfish desire for improved quality of life and eternal salvation end, and my selfish desire for good things that the world can provide start.

Anyway, I’ve been kinda bummed out thinking about some of this stuff, so I have been playing video games so I don’t have to think about it. Mario Kart is fun. The computer is way better in the 150cc class, which is sorta cool because it makes it harder to win for me, and considering that I owned the computer and almost everyone else I played in Mario Kart 64 it is somewhat refreshing. I don’t like that the computer does things that people can’t do. That has always annoyed me. I don’t like when I hit the computer with a bomb and as I pass the cart it goes from zero to top speed so fast that it passes me almost right away agian….and this is a cart that has bad acceleration…..that annoys me. The computer players also zig-zag back and forth across tracks as fast as I can drive in a straight line down the course, and they steer on the edge of tracks with no guard rails better then humanly possible as well. I would really like to play a game that was hard because the computer played well like a person has to, not because they can be cheap, and drive the kart faster then a person can or steer better then a person can.

So at any rate. That is my story thus far…and I’m sticking to it.

Still Hate School

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So, the conference is over. It was pretty kick ass. There were some things that I really liked. There were some things that were good, but I didn’t like them. I think it made me hate school even more.

School is bugging the piss out of me lately. I can’t get a good grade to save my life, and I hope they let me graduate.

I’m here are Robs now. We played some Soul Calibur 2, that was cool. We played some Mario Kart: Double Dash, that was pretty cool too. The computer is even cheaper then it was in the other one. I get shot like ten times all at once, then five computer players go zooming by.

DW is here….still acting as ghey as ever. We don’t like him, but he doesn’t suck at video games, so we keep him around to have another challenging person to play. DW’s stupid drunk friends at the stupid Anime convention keep calling and harassing us…that was funny for like two calls….it isn’t anymore, we had to turn off the phones because we got tired of it.

To clarify, DW, still silly and retarded. Still whining about pipeline effiecency of the P4, like we haven’t heard that same sad song from every AMD PR person for the last 2 years….they soooooooo need to get over that. No one wants to hear it, we all know what Daniel is about to say….we might as well put a record on. Round and round and round the AMD people go, watch them spin the same story over and over. Stop telling us how your company is so awesome…..because we will figure it out on our own.

Alright enough bashing on the DWChang-a-lang-a-ding-dong-hootchi-momma-ho-bag. This all about sums up the situation right now.

Thank you, and Goodnight.

Academia

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I was walking through the Union today and heard some people mumbling some scientific jargon and I cringed. I didn’t cringe because I thought “Nerds”, or “that is way over my head”, I cringed because I understood what they were talking about, and it isn’t in my major. The even worse thing is that I’m starting to cringe even when I hear things in my major.

When I was a freshmen I used to walk around thinking about how awesome it was to be around smart people finally…not surrounded by idiots, and brought down by systems designed to neuter the intelligent for the sake of the future McDonald’s employees. Yes, I had a chip on my shoulder, but then all I could think about was how college is the place for me.

Fast forward four years….and I hate this place. I feel the like the last bits of life are slowly being drained out of me, like a troll trying to suck the marrow out of bones. I hate that I know entire departments on the campus including faculty have lower IQ’s then I do, I hate how stupid people get over stupid small things and then they go protest it, and make me late for class. I hate classes that don’t teach anything that I didn’t learn in my neutered high school. I hate being surrounded by people leaps and bounds more intelligent then I am, making me the guy in that tail end of the bell curve when the tests scores are finished. I hate feeling like I never have enough time, because there is always another test or homework to do. I hate acronyms that don’t have $$’s written on them somewhere for me. I hate not being able to go home at the end of a long day and just watch TV or sleep.

I wish that I only had to memorize terms and acronyms that met something to me. Like I know what PLC, PPIT, TC, TM, Contrologix, sausage, casepack, and stackout mean in terms of making Kleenex and that is more important to me then ALU, AM, FM, Fourier, Laplace, Lead, Lag, 3-phase, Na, Nd, Vfb, Vt, doping concentration, hardpacked crystal, or anything else I’ve studied in a long time here. I’m tired of school…I’m tired of hearing new people come in thinking they have new ideas, but only saying the same old thing.

Alright…enough of this…maybe Steve Nicholson will bring me up a little at this confrence.

Life, Death, Pokey Sticks and a Monkey

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Well, as many of you know, monkeys are funny, but more importantly I thought my Dad might die on Tuesday, which isn’t funny. So this has caused me to think a good deal about how much it would suck to loose my Dad. It’s been hard, but I’ve been trying to think more about how happy I am that he isn’t sick. But this is not the focus of this post, I know I don’t deal well with death in general, I mean who does, but I tend to be one of those internalizes, so I have a hard time thinking about it or expressing my thoughts about it, so instead I will write about that day, and the days to follow.

So, I get a call about 2:00 on the way to my second class of the day and my brother says “Dad is on his way to the hospital, he had a CAT scan of his chest and they said he has a dissecting aorta.” And I was just about in shock right there. I had to hold it together and make it to my next class and turn in homework. On the way I stopped to get a bottle of pop, and I walked up to the machine, thought “this is the machine that ate my dollar that one time, surely they have it fixed by now, and it won’t happen again.” Well, it happened again. I wasn’t gonna put up with that today, so I tracked down where I could get my money back. That was relatively painless, so on to the turning in of the homework. Got that done, need to go tell my cousin/boss what is going on so I did that, and he walked home with me to make sure I was doing OK. When I got home, I called Dad and he said he was just getting checked in. So I waited for him to call back and tell me if things were bad enough that I should come down to Springfield. He also informed me that it was not a dissecting aorta but an aneurysm. Not much better but better none the less. So after waiting a couple hours they called back with the good news that it was in fact a Shadow on the CAT scan, and that he was OK. An echo cardio-gram showed that he was healthy. So that was great. But now my day was a wash, and I couldn’t get my pulse down enough to concentrate.

So that was the first part of that day, which was going pretty crappily at that point. But now it was like 7:00pm, and I had to meet a guy at grainger at 8. I had already emailed him twice…once to say I might not make it, and again to say that I could be there. So I was also hungry right now, and I was like “Man, I’m hungry and I already ate dinner” and Rob was all “we should get a pizza” and so I said lets do it, and then he backed out. So I watched Gilmore girls w/ Lauren and went to grainger. So when I got there, I couldn’t find my friend. Of course, which just goes with the tone of the day. Later I found out that he had only got the first email, which is what I figured. So back home I go.

I got home, still hungry, and Rob and I actually agreed on getting pokey sticks from Gumbys. If you have never had pokey sticks they are sorta like cheese bread with cooked in garlic butter, and are quite delicious. But I have said before that it is probably sac religious to eat pokey sticks before midnight, because we never seemed to like the amount of grease involved with eating them before midnight. So, about 9 to 9:30ish I went online to get the phone number, and found they had online ordering. Now I am about to tell you that I did indeed utilize the online ordering, and even used a credit card, but I am telling you now, DO NOT USE THE ONLINE ORDERING to order from gumbys. It works well for papa Johns, not Gumbys. After two calls and 4 hours, and half off, the pokey sticks arrived. I waited for 4 anguished hungry hours for this stupid balls of grease. And after I ate mine, I got a stomach ache. Go figure. So I thought this was just about the only way a really long crappy and exhausting day could end. So, I woke up Wednesday and met with Jeff and Mark, and that was really cool. I’ve been meaning to meet with just a guy or two and talk about stuff a little deeper then it is often pertinent to do, so I like that. But it was early when we got together, and that made for a second long day….followed by Thursday, which was also a long day where I needed to get up for lab. Wednesday may not have been as long except I decided to go see Kelley play at an open mic at the Cowboy Monkey. Which I just like the name of that place. It has monkey in it. Kelley was awesome, and there were some other really great people playing too.

So all in all, this has been a long week, that started with a busy weekend, that is now almost over, and hopefully I will I have time to relax, calm down a little, and regroup this weekend.

Since there was much negativity throughout this post, I will spread the Masterpiece Optimus Prime Love….the best prime toy ever, the matrix is in his chest, and that is totally awesome. so, without further adieu…http://bottalk.com/board/showthread.php?s=&threadid=30944 And I am happy, except I must now save around 80 bucks to buy this.

EDIT: Here is a local link since the other one is sorta silly.

Today wouldn’t have sucked…..

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Well, I had a great night last night at the leadership meeting for church. It was so great that I felt good all night, and woke up feeling better then I have felt for a long time. I walked to class feeling super high on life, and I was still feeling good all through class. Then…it happened…..the average for the test was on the board…it said 49.6, and I knew that the test had been handed out before I got there (I was ten minutes late). So after class I went and picked up the test….and my grade was 21, that is right…..21. Well that good feeling sorta went out the window then. Now, I have to say, that I still feel pretty awesome when considering how I feel most days, but it is not nearly as cool as it was earlier in the day. Oh well, life in general is good though. In a lot of ways things couldn’t really be better, but the test thing is a little bothersome.

Oh well, I need to work on homework…so….Later