How to make a good argument….legitimately

1) Preparation

Know certain things that are essential to any good debate or argument.
First, you might not win. This is not a good thing. Now if you desire to win at any cost, refer to part deux in our series.
Second, it may get ugly, and you must be ready for this. Some people are too small minded to admit that you are a mental giant compared to their flea-like brain. If it does get ugly, and you look like a physical flea compared to this neanderthalic opponent, flee for you life.
Third, preparations must include, but are not limited to, fact gathering, reference checking, critically analysis of information collected, mentally powering up (detailed instructions below), putting potato in shorts if male, and stuffing bra if female (this will build confidence for verbal arguments and distract your opponents.)
Powering up mentally is similar to physically powering up. First, crouch slightly, bending at the knees and back. Bend arms ninety degrees at elbows, and forty-five degrees at shoulders. Focus your mind completely on the argument that is approaching…..flex brain….and when you have reached mental argument nirvana, stop, you are ready.

2) Making a Claim

This is the most important part of the argument, for if you have no claim, you have no argument. And any claims/facts/thoughts/opinions you state during the argument have no validity because you are supporting NOTHING. Both sides of any argument must pick a position, or a platform for pun references, to stand on. if your argument does not have a platform to stand on then it will inherently degrade to you going around in circles, convincing no one of anything except that your argument has become your noose and the platform you never adopted would have been the only thing to save you from breaking your mental neck….(last part is a metaphor for looking retarded in front of a bunch of people who are now sure they are your mental superiors.) Which means, pick a platform, stick with it, and you won’t look nearly as stupid. It is easier to appear to yourself like you are making progress in your argument by going in circles, but you are in fact fooling NO ONE, so stop before you look like an even bigger idiot.
REMEMBER, your claim is the ground that you stand on, you can neither attack or defend anything without it, it is the frame of reference by which the reality of the argument hinges. If someone asks you, “Whats your point” your already in trouble, better catch your ship before it sails.

3) Evidence

This is your weapon and your armor. Think of your claim, or platform to continue the analogy, as a castle. Your evidence makes up the strength of the walls of castle, and it is the cannons by which attacks can be made against your opponent. Evidence is critical to supporting your argument. An unsupported claim should be viewed as an assumption…and you know what that means….it makes an ass out of you, and not me…cuz you know I can back mine up. Also all evidence should be referenced. Evidence may also referred to as proof, or poop, depending on whether you can back it up or not with references.

4) Counterargument

Let it be known, that since you may not be right, there is ALWAYS a counter argument. For example if you said humans were not made to fly. I could say, all you have to do is jump at the ground and miss…..baddabing your flying. Now that argument may stupid, but none the less it is a counter argument, and must be addressed. Foreknowledge of possible counter arguments is almost necessary….especially in legal proceedings. Addressing counter arguments must be done with the utmost care, only the evidence for your claim can be used to address the counter argument, unless there is a discernible logical flaw or is argued from a demonstrably untrue premises. It should be known that to dismiss a counter argument by calling silly or nonsensical must be strictly used only only only when dealing with something so stupid (such as the flying thing) that it takes a vastly huge amount of logical suspension in order for it to even be considered. For if you simply dismiss someones counter argument (or argument in the event you are formulating the counter argument) and people around you, or the community in general does not see your dismissal as appropriate, you are in the same place as if you were making a circular argument, or making assumptions….because that is what you are doing. ASSUME NOTHING!!!!!

5) Audience

Assume your audience is made up of idiots, and explain everything as such. That is the only safe assumption, because that way you don’t gloss over something that could be important. Especially to idiots. Notice I did not say assume your opponent or the thing you are addressing is an idiot….that is important. Other then that the audience is the audience is to be used only as a rally monkey. We mean, get them on your side, like Rodney King got south central LA on his side. Now this could almost be called cheating by some, I just call it charisma. If your audience does in fact happen to be monkeys none of this matters because they will be screaming anyway….watch for flying poo. But other then that, be aware of your audience, never assume the know something, because that could leave the impression that there are holes in your argument.

I hope you enjoyed our nearly comprehensive guide to legitimately winning arguments. These techniques are universal. Whether it be theology, science, philosophy or literature, these techniques can be applied to anything. This does not guarantee that you will win your argument, because you might be wrong. However if you must win at ANY cost, and you don’t care how or if you are wrong or not remember that this is part one of our two part series. The second part deals with how to win at any cost. It is titled “How to win an argument by cheating.” We will address male specific tactics, female specific tactics and our favorite omni-sex tactics.

Part two will continue on Seth Spain’s Blog.
This was brought to you by the collaborative efforts of myself, Ben Catlin, and Seth Spain, Licensed Idiots, and self proclaimed legitimate argument Gods.