General Posts

Odd

I have this odd feeling of inadequacy lately. I feel like I don’t measure up in the church plant team, at my job, as a husband, or much anything else I do, even stuff I used to be good at like being a friend.

It’s odd, but I think it comes from not knowing where I fit in the big picture. I have dreams, a big picture of what I want our church to be like someday, and I can plan down to now about how the details look of getting there in my head, but the problem is I don’t see myself in that big picture in a huge church, and subsequently don’t know where I fit now, or what I should be doing for that matter. Especially since my job isn’t to dream about how we go from here to being a big church…thats Jeffs job. I talked to him about this a little yesterday (and got in trouble for comming home 2 hours late), but I didn’t tell him I didn’t see myself in this picture.

It’s frustrating for me to be like this. Usually I’m a great puzzle solver and can piece things together in a great way, and make everything fit. But for some reason I’m feeling blocked from seeing myself in this.

I was excited to realize that God gave me the ability to dream big, and the ability to connect theory (or my dreams) with reality, and I don’t really look at the two as seperate (and I haven’t since I learned Diff-eq and ECE 210). I believe that God showed me that for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is anymore since I haven’t been able to use it to find my nitch, and instead am slowly winding my way through everyone elses in my head.

I also am disturbed at the lack of spiritual gifts I posses, sometimes this bothers me a lot, others just a little. I mean, a finger is a finger, but sometimes it wants to be an eye, and I don’t think that is unreasonable considering Paul says we should strive for the gift or prophecy since it is edifying to the whole body. I’m still confused some about all this, and it is getting frustrating. I suspose I’ll email Jeff a little later at work and ask him who is looking to start a mini-group and get prayer about all this.

Well, that is my depressing bit for today. Other than that, the MIN-INATOR visited me this weekend. That was totally sweet. And I got into an arguement with Jeff where he told me that I’m a guy with a bachelors in engineering, and because I don’t have a science degree and didn’t take any philosphy of science classes I have no grounds to challenge other scientist methodology. I thought that was like telling a guy who spent five years learning how to weld that he didn’t have any grounds to challenge someone elses welding because he hasn’t read 3 books on it and taken a few classes. What do the scientists and engineers think about that. Is the philosphy of science built into engineering? Seems to me you couldn’t seperate the two, but I’m willing to entertain opinions. My plan is to try to learn about what Jeff was talking about, read the books or what not, but I’m wondering if it would be really worth it since I’ve done more science than anyone with a major in some kind of philosophy could ever hope to do.