General Posts

WHO

I’ve been thinking about the method of scientific inquiry a lot lately, mostly due to my other post about scientists. I came to a conclusion that sums up why a postmodern is right in saying the idealism of modernism (or science specifically) is doomed to leave us holding the ball without really making life better for everyone (like moderns susposedly believe).

The problem is in asking the basic questions of science or journalism, which is WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY, and sometimes HOW (or always HOW in science’s case). In science, specifically, you are concerned with WHAT, WHY, and HOW as your primary problems, and then WHEN, WHERE, and WHO are used to determine the WHY and the HOW for your WHAT. The WHO is irrelevant, unless that person or thing has a trait that your are exploiting (same goes for the WHERE and the WHEN, but I’m interested in WHO today)….but that thing in the experiment which you are testing, or the hypothesis you are proving, is the WHAT, not the WHO. In fact, your goal is to describe WHAT with your WHY and HOW, so that you can apply it to any WHO-ever, WHEN-ever, and WHERE-ever, i.e. if you have a good WHY and HOW, you can always get the WHAT you desire.

Enter postmodernism, all this is important, but the emphasis goes back to WHO, WHEN, and WHERE. WHY, falls by the wayside, and WHAT is close behind (thats right, I’m criticising the lack of accountability and relativism inherent in postmodernism). HOW is still important sometimes.

This is good I think, especially in terms of Christianity. In Christianity, WHO is always more important than anything else. WHO is number one, Jesus was more concerned with WHO than anything else. Second he was concerned with WHEN and WHERE as a subset of HOW. As in “How much time are you spending, and how are you spending that time.” Finally it was WHAT he could do for them, while spending time with them.

All this came from the holidays, because it seems like the holidays force us to try to see family. All jammed packed into short periods of time. Really all we need is a large quanity of time, not a focused / forced memory time centered around presents. It is like each time you are with family you should treat it somewhat like it is a holiday. This is because to make memories, especially the most special memories, you don’t need to focus on a what (holiday or big ticket event like a wedding) you need every week small groups where you share yourself. You need super-bowl parties, drinking / eating after church, football games, food give-aways, etc. You get the point. WHERE should equal, as many places as possible. And WHEN should equal, as much as possible. This is how relationships really work, not just on holidays.

That is some of what I think modernism inherently loses. Now, postmodernism has it’s own failings, and that is usually the focus drifting away from WHO you are becoming in WHAT you are doing to something along the lines of WHO do feel you are, and subsequently less good stuff gets done and everyone loses sight of goals…but that is a generalization, and there is something else I want to talk about.

Finally the WHO that becomes important in our lives is WHO are we, and WHOse are we. WHO are we when we are by ourselves, HOW do we spend that time (WHEN and WHERE) doing WHAT? HOW do we spend time doing WHAT when we are with other people.

All this to say I’ve been thinking, in a round about way, about WHO I am. I sorta realized that is what I’ve been struggling with because of some things said, but brought it more to a head when I started a lame fight with him. I’m going to quote an email he sent me (more personal), and if he doesn’t like it he can tell me to take it down, but I figure he won’t mind since it is about me and not him.

Why bother pressing this point? Because I am spending a lot of time praying and thinking about you lately. And there seems to me to be one big skewed thing that is driving you crazy. You are trying with all your might to answer the question “Who am I?”

And you use two things to try to answer that question: your degree, and your experience in the church. And because you are a bold, thoughtful, extroverted person, I watch you try with all your might to be an expert on all things scientific and all things churchly. I am convinced that you will be a happier person, a more competent engineer, and a more satisfied church member if you just let yourself be defined by the fact that God loves you, and your wife loves you, and people around you love you. You don’t have to prove to me how smart you are. You don’t have to show how much you know about church. You don’t have to fix computers or know theology or grow a church or fix your in-laws or anything. Just chill out and be loved. It will make your life so much simpler.

When life flows form the core truth that we are loved and accepted by God, you can live freely and openly. You can stop clenching on to things, you can stop gritting your teeth, stop trying to do better and get other people to do better. You can just live. Ben, I want for you to simply be able to live openly and freely, instead of grasping so hard.

So, this ment a whole lot to me, and is something I’ll cherish for a long time. Here is why.

1. I didn’t know that was what I was doing (trying to figure out “who am I”) until the night before he sent me this, and even then I only had a vauge idea of that from Lauren’s and I’s conversation. This brought it more to a head, and phrased it in a more concrete way.

2. I can’t make myself WHO I want to be in the church, and in this life if it isn’t what God wants me to be. No struggling or grasping will do that. Grasping on to everything I have that I see as an asset is not exactly what I need to be doing. Instead I should be asking “What do I see God highlighting in my life, what is he saying about my life?” and “How do other people see God highlighting my life, and when they pray about me what does God tell them?” The odd part is that I never stopped doing this, but I came to the conclusion that he wasn’t going to answer me. Now I think maybe I just needed more patience, and still need more patience.

3. Sometimes I don’t feel like I fit in around here. I think it is because I’ve always had a tight-nit group of friends who are similar in some ways. Around here I have a good group of friends, we just don’t share the odd similarities of my old group. The more I think about the last guy to really come and join our group (Rob aka ) the more I think about how odd it is how quickly some of us randomly fit together, almost as if when a new guy came there was a hole in our friends group that we didn’t know was there, until they filled it. Life is funny when it lumps a bunch of like-minded people together in one place seemingly randomly. I know God has a purpose for our group of friends and that it probably wasn’t all that random, but all I can do is thank him for brining such a great group of people together.

Even though I feel like I don’t fit in right now, it is because God is changing me and the people around me to fit together. No group of people who set out to start a church can fit togther automatically, and the process of growing is part of growing together. And if they did fit together they would reach only a limited number of people, and would share flaws instead of covering eachothers flaws. I had an amazing group of friends that fit together in an amazing way, and the part of me that needed to grow with that comfort is grown, and that period is over. Only this new trial by fire can (being without the comfort of my like-minded group) can I truely move on to the next place God wishes me to grow in. It would seem in most peoples estimation, specifically Jeff’s as I referenced here and my wifes, that I am attempting to force myself through this change when I need to only endure and seek God in it, and by seeking God I need to relax more into the people around me and learn to accept the love he offers.

4. He is offering that love, even when I don’t feel like it, or know how to feel it. I know this because my friends do pray for me and think about me, at least as much as I pray for them (and most likely more). Sometimes that is easy to forget, especailly when I’m in a mood and causing conflict for no real reason other than to cause conflict. It is hard to see myself as lovable when I’m feeling / acting like that.

5. I don’t know how to stop grasping at thing, desperately I try to move this annoying process of growth along. I read, I watch, I listen, I inhale knowledge and data in the pursit of finding the next answer to my questions, to be elevated to the next horizon of understanding. Using the God-given gift of system analysis I hold to the idea that I am only to take in the entirety of the parameters around me, and I should arrive at a conclusion that fits my environment and situtation. When in fact I must relax some and reside only in the knowledge that God loves me.

6. I don’t know how to feel that, or let myself feel that, which is why I cling to number 5. It seems more solid even though it is not according to my understanding of the sacrifice of Christ and the nature of God. That is a limited understanding of course, but I fear I limit myself in experiencing it because I hold onto an idea that my feeling or experiencing is limited by my ability to understand.


So, WHO am I? I’m a church-planter, I’m a husband, brother, son, and in-law, I’m someone worth praying for, I’m a friend, I’m loved, I’m a Christian, I’m someone who God will use to bring his light to others. Is much else important? So understanding the WHO is somewhat more important to me right now than my other W’s, and I hope I don’t lose that again any time soon.