Well, lately I’ve been listening to a lot of sermons, and realizing a few things.
1. Most sermons I like have a cool story in them.
2. Most of the people in the stories are making decisions or taking actions I have already made or taken a long time ago, and seeing big results.
3. I have like zero results from my decisions and actions like that.
4. I don’t have a cool story.
5. I’m jealous of those people in those stories and tired of listening to good sermons.
This zero result thing seems kinda lame, like I’m just being stupid, but seriously, I have never seen a single conversion. I’ve never helped anyone reach that decision. I’ve never directly seen anything grow back or healed in an manner that isn’t easily explained by biology. The cool things I have seen revolve around psychological stuff, and ultimately it is starting to feel like a game of saying the right thing at the right time, more than listening to God.
I try my damnedest to listen to God and discern his voice, and I come up w/ nothing. I felt like he told me we were going to grow to about 100 to 150 people in a year to a year and a half. Since I heard that I’ve been praying for him to show me what I need to change, and what I need to do in order to be a part of whatever great movement that will cause that many people in that short of a time to come to our church. I’ve even prayed to say I want to step out of the way when I become a hinderence to that process.
I feel like the things I’ve been doing are trivial. I don’t like running sound 3 out of the 4 weeks a month, and I mostly suck at it. I’ve had people pray for me about that…the helped some…I still don’t like it very well, and think I suck at it.
I want to lead again. In some part of my heart I yearn to help people, but I feel like I have no authority from God, and I have no people to lead. Also, I’m almost completely ineffective at converting people, and I’m only marginally OK at discipling Christians younger than me (not physical age), so I don’t know how long I would be comfortable leading with little or no results.
I guess sometimes a church-plant needs a warm body to fill in gaps. I’m just tired of being one of those guys. I want to do what I’m good at….or, find out what I’m good at. I want a dream that includes me in it…not just a prophetic word about our church.
I want to fix what is broken, I want to find that hard thing that needs to be changed, and go through all the messy changing. I want to experience God MORE, and with the volume turned WAY UP!
I’m tired of sitting here, feeling like I’m on the sidelines of a varsity football game waiting for someone to get hurt so I can play. I’m tired of feeling like the only one who hasn’t experienced God in a super powerful way. I’m tired of feeling disrespected, and patronized.
And I haven’t been sleeping very well so I’m just tired.
I think maybe I’ll make this friends only since it is so damned whiny……ah, fuck it, I’ll just leave it how it is.
On the good side of things, I’m really looking forward to having dinner Saturday with
Also, I want to say on a positive side of my whining, I’ve been trying lately to let myself feel more.
That means embracing hurt, frustration, and saddness for what they are instead of turning them into anger. I’m not angry at God, or anyone else around me. I’m frustrated at God because I feel like I can’t hear his voice, and I don’t know what he wants me to do. I’m hurt by people because I have a strong desire to be respected, and try to give respect appropriately, but I haven’t felt like that lately. Mostly I’ve felt patronized or left out (probably my problem, not anyone elses). I’m refusing to slip into depression. If I get depressed, I will get there w/ a bang like last winter when it hit me one day like a baseball bat upside the head. I control me, and I can choose to rejoice that somewhere in the not-so-distant future I can look back at this post and smile because I know that God will give me something bigger and better than all this. And that he is using this pain to grow me into something stronger, softer, wiser, and with more faith.
I just don’t like the process, and I would love to see where he is going with this.
Also, my in-laws are visiting next week. My father-in-law seems agreeable to discussing some messy things so we can have a better relationship. I’m not holding my breath that this will go well, but a while back I’m pretty sure God said things would get better in this family, and I would be there for it. So maybe I’m getting down because something big is coming and Satan doesn’t want me in on it….maybe I’m just not sleeping enough.