Sometimes I feel really oddly like a powder keg just waiting to explode. Not in a bad or angry way, but in a ball of energy, or potential good sort of way. But it is mixed with this odd feeling of inadequacy, because (to continue the metaphor) it is like I don’t know how to light my own fuse. or get someone to light it for me.
This isn’t like a prideful thing, like I’m a ball of awesome just waiting to happen on the world or something, but more like a caged-up or walled-in wild animal kind of thing. Days like this make the entire city or the sky feel like it is somehow pinning me in. Or maybe my own fears coupled with the negative things people have told me that make me feel value-less are the walls, and the sky and the city feel like good places to stick those feelings on. And then there is the people who keep telling me that I have this potential to do great….it creates an odd tearing apart / pregnant to birth something feeling, but I’m afraid of both standing still and moving at the same time, or afraid to let loose whatever this is and hurting to keep it inside.
I’m so freaking weird sometimes. I hate days like this, it is like there are two sides in my head fighting with each other with no clear winner in sight.