I did it, I made it home safe, at 4:30AM last night. And I woke up, went outside and watched my brothers/moms concert with her old band. They were great. Aaron enlisted me to do sound at the last minute, which was OK, but I didn’t have time to make any adjustments before hand, so it was all board stuff, no re-arranging mics or anything. After that I went out with the old friends from the band and a friend from Melvin who came to see the concert. That was fun.
On the way home last night I listened to a CD Mark Egli gave me that is a recording of a talk a guy gave on margins in your life. That means the space you save for you, or the events that pop up in your life. All I could think about is how I feel like I haven’t been doing that much at all in college, and even less lately. I felt so worn down, so broken, because I feel that I’ve been chasing this dream or vision of the future. But it really isn’t worth very much at all. Sure I can get a job, I might even like that job, but what good is it going to do. I can get a job anywhere, I’ve never been unemployed for more then a couple weeks that I was looking for a job. And I’ve got good jobs before, and made money, and lived off that money,…yadda yadda…etc, etc.
But what good is that. I lead a cowardly at best ministry when I’m in charge of anything, I don’t have time to do much other than be pissed at my current friends, let alone make new ones and expand relationships with friends on the edge of my circles. I haven’t lead anyone into a relationship with God, and I’m always forgetting to pray for people, or I get scared and don’t want to look like a jackass, so I just don’t pray for people. So basically I figure I pretty much suck, I hate engineering, school sapped me of my will to succeed and I feel like the only thing driving me to succeed before was a desire to look and sound smart or “educated”. Which is totally stupid. I don’t feel like I’m better than I was when I came in. At least I was optimistic when I came to school.
Why is that school does that to you. Why is it that in life you feel like your clawing your way up a smooth rockface. You scramble and grasp at anything you can to get an inch higher. Your fingers bleed, your heart turns into a burning engine of desire for success, pumping nothing but the worthless crude oil of disillusionment through your veins. Until finally you reach where you thought you wanted to be, the peak of whatever you were climbing. Only to see that it was a ledge blocking the peak of where you want to be next. Nothing more than a brief resting point at best, until you start clambering for the next peak, higher and higher. And it is all meaningless in the end. Nothing more than a piece of paper to puff up your resume so you can get a well paying job so we can all afford crap we don’t need, so we can play with that crap and ignore the people in our lives to make more money….it goes on and on.
So here I stand, a man who is broken of what he dreamt when we left this house, cured of his obsession with getting better through education. No more do I dream of creating the next big thing to propel society into the next age, or to better us through my genius designs. Instead I admit I cannot do that, I’m not smart enough, so I’m going to take whatever factory job I can get, and make a living. A grunt engineer at best, a peon under a big-wigs kid at worst.
So tired, so broken, so worthless.
I have hope right now. It may not sound like it, but this feeling of worthlessness is more than a little different than the past. I may be broken, but I can be fixed. I won’t just be fixed, but like the bionic man, I’ll be made better. Because I’m giving up (as best I can) this worthless pursuit to try to make myself better, and I’m going to let someone smarter than me do it. I felt yesterday. I felt. I don’t feel anything besides angry or depressed in my life. Broken is new, something sad, but something. Something that tears down until the only thing left is hope. I have hope in more than my action-agenda, I have faith in more than my day planner. My plans for the future aren’t worth hoping for. Having faith in myself to get me there is nothing more than a modern myth our society perpetuates to drive us harder at our jobs so we an ignore our relationships.
My hope starts again today, starts from the beginning. Not the new beginning of finishing school, the new beginning of a clean slate, trying to not write on myself so God can fill the space with what he wants. Broken, but expectant, sad, but hopeful, tired and weary, but finally ready to truly rest.
I told myself last night that I had caught the fish, and fought the bull, but I had to ask “Did I win the War?”
But I realize, it isn’t my war to win.
Goodnight.
Mark Egli says
i’ve cried more than once listening to that cd , i have to admit . i’d like it back at some point , but by all means , burn a couple copies first . i hope that God can really use this period of brokenness to re-prioritize you . You’re going to do great things , just not the kind of great things you might have been expecting .
– m
BigCat says
Yeah, that CD hit me pretty hard. It was probably the first time I drove home in that much pain, but not like a terriblely bad pain…anyway, the truck practically drove itself home because I barely remember any of the trip. The only thing I remember well was missing an exit I wanted to get off on because I lost all track of where I was.
I think this will be good.
Lauren says
You are an awesome, awesome man. Don’t ever forget that. But don’t worry, I’m going to remind you if you do. 🙂 I have been praying for a long time that God would help you to be able to feel more, and to know what your feeling. I am sorry that you’re hurting, but I’m glad you can feel it, if that makes any sense. I think that is a big part of being able to hear from God, so I’m really excited to see what comes next. I love you.
Jeff says
I have learned so much lately about how only pain brings maturity. Dave Schmelzer was saying in a sermon how all the good thigns God wants to give us only come if we accept the pain of getting them. I’m praying for all the good things God is going to bring in your life.
I’m not saying it’s going to be fun or easy, just saying it is eventually going to be GOOD.
see ya soon…
j
(James 1 and Romans 5)
BigCat says
You know something funny, I’ve been listening to Schmelzers sermons while I work on all my papers lately, and every one I randomly grab is about something happening right now in my life. Last week (a week ago yesterday) he was talking about giving everything up for God, and then Tony preached on the same thing, and I found it spoke to me in a positive way. Then yesterday I was listening to one about how he wrapped himself in intelectualism and forgot how to experience emotion, and I really felt that way when I was driving home the other night.
Odd, but interesting. I guess I’m just ready to hear now. I’m starting to unwind a little, and that is nice. I’m finishing up my book “Irresistable Evangelism” and reading the Bible more again the last few days (I’ve gone for about three weeks with only reading three chapters). I know it has hurt to feel this broken, but I think it will get better and I’ll be better on the other side.
Also, my Mom pointed out I just need some distance from school right now. Thinking about my degree is depressing right now, it will get better when I get a job I think though.
Dink says
Man, someone has been listening to either craprock or country music. It’s not so much what you didn’t do or what you think you could have done better in life. it’s more like what you will do and what will make you happy and whatnot. Sure I won’t most likely be a raving success at much at anything or find love again or be financially secure but I really don’t complain. I’m not happy most of the time actually once I think about it, but instead of writing huge ass things about my worries or doubts and shit I go do the stuff that makes life for me worth living. I shoot my rifles, I build stuff, I explore old ruins and strip mines and most importantly hang with my buds You need to find that thing that makes you live and fuckin’ do it till the break of balls.
Now my comment may get drowned out by people trying to write over deep interpretations of Goddish and Bible verses (because not many people on LJ actually think about the crap I write) wich will no doubt deeply fortify you or something in whatever but just remember not to be the ball all the time but instead try to be the bat and just go out there and hit it once in a while. You’ll be happy. Oh yeah cussing is a great stress reliever too…along with a good cold one too.
BigCat says
Amen to the brew, always makes things better.
Ball, Bat, it all feels the same when you feel shitty. But sometimes you step up and life lets you take charge, like your swinging the bat. But sometimes your the ball, traveling on the inevitable course you set when you are batting. Right now I just feel more like the ball, and I have to land somewhere before I get to bat again.
Thanks Man, and I will hang out again soon.
Boobie says
as much as I’d like to say, I find myself at a loss for significant words. I enjoy my times with you and wish you the best in the coming years. Rocksauce…