Last night at small group Jeff asked me if I was confronting Laurens parents for me or for her, because she is really worried they are going to say awful things about her, and she has been down that road already. I don’t know what the answer to that is. The best I can come up with is “both” and for the first time I think I can honestly say I’m doing for them too.
I think something I’m coming to realize is that no matter what I have to share my wifes pain, and that my job is to help her process it, and then get angry and sad at the same time. I’m not 100% sure this is Biblical, and every time I start down this path my parents say I need to make sure I pick my battles carefully because I only have so much amunition. I’m not sure that statement is Biblical, and in some ways I’m pretty sure it isn’t. But that isn’t really the point, and it still seems like good advice. The point is that the truth is light. I know the truth. I know that keeping things in the darkness, something my father-in-law has done actively, is hurting his family and more specifically his relationship with us. I know that the truth presented in the right way should start setting her family free, showing off what is hiding in the darkness. But no one has been able to penetrate that bubble of denial so far. Why would I be different? Why would my anger make the situation better, why would my pain added to the heap help improve? Does my outside view really lend itself to fixing this? What kind of a blade / instrument do you use to pierce a bubble of denial? How do I see through the lies clearly, how do I sort out the past through broken memories, half-truths and a lense of pain? Could my path today be any more narrow?
I prayed all the way to work today about this. I felt a new pain. It hurts to grow, and it hurts more to accept peoples pain into your life. It hurts more yet when you ask to feel Gods pain about the same situation. I feel like the blackness of anger I carry gained a small sad companion, two black lumps sitting inside my stomach. This new one is part of me growing, and part of me truely feeling bad for Laurens parents instead of just being angry at them.
I was going to prepare for this phone call from Ralph in the way I used to do things, a way I’ve been trying to stop. I was going to gather all my evidence, put out all my sensors / feelers for his change in voice, and then use every manipulation technique, and every once of brain power to break down the irrationalizations I was going to get thrown at me. I was going to use Laurens memory, facts, and every psychological reference I could find to liken his and Lauries relationship to the patterns of abuse. But Lauren’s memory is broken, and she has exagerated and sometimes fictionalized situations to me in the past….we were past that hurdle a while ago, but the damage it caused hurts me credibility now. And Ralph has starred Lauren down with bruises on her face and said “your mother would never do something like that.” So no presentation of facts is going to help. I’m as smart as most anyone I argue with, and just about as good at forming a rational arguement as well as debunking others rationale as anyone I know, but somehow I just don’t think that would work for me this time. I determined about six steps ahead in a decision tree / debate is about where you need to be walking in, with the facts to back yourself up for about 20 steps for the rest of a serious arguement. It was kind of an arbitrary number, but it seemse to work when I get serious about this. But for this one I don’t have a plan, I can’t get six steps in, the irrationality of the situation makes it difficult to guage a response. Every time I come up with two possibilities for what they can say to me, I figure out six more irrational ones, or Lauren tells me how they responded the last time this kind of thing happened.
So, what is left. I laid the gaunlet down, I called their bluff and said what no one is susposed to say, I called out the question of the abuse. Now the number of people saying that in this family is 2. Does that represent a righteous Christian majority? Does this qualify for a Mathew 18 style intervention? Did I dig myself into a hole this time that I can’t climb out of? Are they going to listen, or label me crazy like they did Lauren. I seem to remember the remnant of those bruises she had from the last fight, the day I met her she told her story about how she left home a week before. But does that give me a enough of a right to attack this? Can I come against a generational problem in that family, would anyone even listen when I pointed out that children abused growing up are more likely to abuse their children? What happens if my kids claim this kind of thing to me? What happens if they find out I’m sensative to this issue and use it to mainpulate me? How would I respond if I were Ralph?
So what do I have. God hurts because of this, I know he does. In prayer he has cried of Lauren, healed her of her serious pain when she forgave her mother for this. If her Mother and Father are forgiven is it even worth fighting for? Am I Gods agent for change in this family, can I help heal them and make them less broken people? What words will I speak when I’m torn between my brain and my pain, both holding eachother back. No rational answer to this problem is in sight, no words from God to say I should or should not do this have reached me in a definitive way. I have no words, just a few facts, some righteous anger…some not so righteous, and a strong pain for my wife and her family. A lot of this is new, this time I’m calmer than before, and this time I actually said in no uncertain words what the real problem was…not the money, not the broken promises, not even some of the latest lies..but the deep sense of rejection because of the verbal and physical abuse. So that is the new stuff, but is me saying something new about an old problem really that different. Is my calmness this time going to save me from burning this bridge hastily in my anger? If I stand at that junction looking at my In-Laws and God says to burn it would I, or would I hesitate because I know how much that is going to hurt Lauren.
I have no words, I don’t know how God can speak through me. I don’t speak in tounges, I have no idea what it is like to let God have my voice. I rarely feel used by God to do great things (if ever at all), is he actually using me here, or do I just want to think he is. How do I prepare, how do I pray, how do I deal with this new pain, and get ready for this phone call on Friday? How do you stare down a laywer and tell him this stuff, how do you make him shut off the laywer part of his brain in an arguement and make him think like a father, a husband, and a Christian instead. Can you unblend the laywer from those other parts to reach the soft side of his heart that knows the truth? Where is his pain in all this, how do I bring that out and make him as vunerable as we are? And does Laurie even have a side like that where we can reach at all?
God, I’m confused, and I’m afraid I’ve got myself in pretty deep this time. Am I right to do this, is this what you want me to do? Even if it isn’t, please help this go as best as it possibly can. I can’t do this without you, and I’m afraid I might make a mess this time that I can’t pick up since it won’t just be my mess anymore.
D-day in T-Minus 36 hours, time to measure me and see where I’m going fall into this family. If this doesn’t either blow up for fix things I have no idea what is going to happen, and that is what scares me.
dreum says
This is what I think the Lord is saying to you,
“Do not burn this bridge down. You are My vessel and I have put My Spirit in you. I will work My righteous purposes through you. Trust in me and when the time comes you will know what to say.”
rockyrockstar says
I’m really glad you wrote that. I really think the pain your feeling is the pain of brokenness coming to the surface to be healed, not brokenness being created.
j
xeyro says
I’m not sure if you’re looking for advice, so at the risk of butting in, I’m going to throw some out anyway. I’m fully aware I know next to nothing about the situation, so I apologize if I’m way off base.
The key to having a good conversation is to make sure that neither side goes on the defensive. Defensiveness will kill any prospect of a meaningful conversation. This is best accomplished by opening up yourself first and NEVER making accusations. It’s tough, but you have to suck up any pride you may have, and be humble. Open with a thank you. Thank him for taking the time and for being willing to discuss the situation with you. Then, sincerely apologize for anything you think may have escalated the situation. Do this regardless of who’s fault you think it is. Finally, calmly explain why you want to talk about it. Let him know that you love your wife and you love him. Make sure he knows that you are not there to attack, belittle, or avenge. Your objective is not to win, but to heal, so try your damndest not to take sides.
As you discuss, acknowledge any points that you don’t know the full story on. Allow him to discuss with you why things are the way they are. Any topic you have strong evidence for, or want to discuss, present it as a question not an accusation. Be sure to listen to what he has to say. Acknowledge it so he knows you’ve heard. What kind of a blade / instrument do you use to pierce a bubble of denial? My answer? A butter knife. Slowly draw him out of the bubble by gently asking about any contentious points. Just say, “I heard X, Y, Z, is there any truth to that?” If you suspect a lie, say “I’m confused because that’s not what I had heard” and allow him to explain. Above all, keep a non-accusatory tone so that he feels free to give the whole story from his side. Show him how his actions have made your wife feel, how they’ve made you feel, and why you see them as being destructive. And ask how he thinks things could be made better.
In a situation like this, the only way people change or heal is by coming to the right conclusions on their own. You cannot force anybody to see things as they really are, but through calm, non-accusatory, questions and conversation, you can guide them to the answer. Your job is to help them realize that there are wounds to be healed and that it truly is for the best.
dwchang says
:-/
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice since I dont’ know all the details, but I’ll try and pray about it so that you get some wisdom and guidance…
bigcat2k says
It’s totally cool for you to jump in.
You make a lot of great points, and from reading a lot of your stuff on convert_me I can tell you practice a lot of these ideas better than I can.
I don’t know if those are all things I can use well. I’m aware of all of those tactics in confronting people and in the past they have served me well, but I don’t know if they will work here very well. Thanks for reminding me about that though, that is useful.
Oh, and BTW, we are having a christmas party tomorrow night around 7 at Jeff and Q’s place. (if you need directions or an address check out http://www.mercyvineyard.org). You and Karin, and anyone else you want to bring are welcome to join. We (my wife and I) still would like to get to meet you personally sometime.
bigcat2k says
Well, I’m glad you said some of the stuff you did last night.
I don’t know my ass from my head right now with how turned around I feel, and that is partially because of what you said, but that is probably good right now I think.
xeyro says
Glad I could help…
About tomorrow night, I’ll definately run it by Karin. I don’t really have any plans, but she’s participating in a craft show so I don’t know how late all that goes. Hopefully, we’ll be able to get over there for at least a little bit. How late do your get togethers usually go?
bigcat2k says
Pretty late, probably midnightish or something…we’re also planning on going out for Lauren’s belated B-day on Saturday night so if you wanted to come to that. Just call me or Lauren on Friday night and check and see if things are still hopping. My number is 217 377 3700 and her’s is 217 714 1223. Our house is 612 338 7274 if you need to call our house.
bigcat2k says
Will I know what to say or will I just say it…I never got how some of this stuff is susposed to work.
dreum says
Hell I don’t know. I don’t pretend to know this stuff either.
bigcat2k says
WTF…you prophetic people are susposed to help me out on this kind of crap. Shouldn’t you be telling me to take 7 baths, or pour something smelly on some dead animals fur or some crap to prepare for this. j/k
Well, at least I know something good will happen.
bigcat2k says
Yeah, a lot of details have been omitted on purpose. Part of me feel like sharing the whole story start to finish, but Laurens story is not a pretty one. Mine on the other hand is not bad at all comparitively, and you already know that because I share the vast majority of my history openly.
Maybe if things start to get better we’ll start sharing more stories. If you don’t have her on your friends list you should add her, cuz sometimes she talks about this stuff too. Her lj is.
dreum says
Well the main point of that word was that you trust God and He will take care of things. and I think you’re doing that. You are being very open and humble about this so the only thing left to do is be open and honest with Ralph when he phones you. I pray God blesses that phone call.
xeyro says
Will I know what to say or will I just say it…I never got how some of this stuff is susposed to work.
I’ve had a couple experiences like this. You’ll pretty much just know what to say. It’s not like the Holy Spirit is whispering in your ear or anything, but possibly during and definatley afterward, you’ll probably think something along the lines of “Holy crap, how did I think to say that.” i.e. Go into it prayfully, but don’t expect something “magical” it will just seem…right. Also, pray that her father will be receptive to what you’re saying. His being receptive is probably more important than your saying the right things…