Sometimes I think that I used to be more creative than I am now.
I’m having a hard time solidifying my ideas into something that I can put on this webpage I’m working on.
It is like they are these vauge fragments of something that is blurred, and every once in a while I catch a glimpse of one. Lately I’ve been wondering if there is something blocking me from finding those real images, as well as anything that God has that is good for me.
Praying the past few days I’ve really started to think they are interconnected. Somehow it feels like there is something I locked away some long time ago that stunted some areas of my life that I used to excel.
I have to ask, did I train my creativity away during EE classes? Did I lock away my feelings and emotions when my Grandfather, great-grandmother, and maternal grandmother died within a few years of eachother? I have no freaking clue here…but I know I feel handicapped in a lot of areas that I’m sure I have potential in. I feel like I should be something greater….like I have a deep potential well of something, but I can’t accuate it.
Sometimes when I’m frustrated I close my eyes and see this image of me hitting a wall, or hitting the floor. Kinda like I’m beating my head against something immobile or indestructable. Then the other day I was praying (with someone, or they were praying for me I mean…I think maybe Glynn) and started seeing a glass ceiling. The glass seemed to be tinted, or just kinda faded everything, because I could see an awesome light above, but it didn’t radiate past the glass. Then two hands thrust upwards, open palmed, and broke two holes in the glass, then the light poured over the hands and radiated into the room w/ one of those cool glowy effects where the dust looks like floating stars in a beam of light.
Well, I don’t need much interpretation for this picture, but I would like to know why I feel like I got my hands in the air most the time and can’t find the glass. I feel like lots of people are walking on top of the glass and I’m compartmentalized, categorized, labeled, and trapped under it in a small room….w/ lots of unbreakable walls.
Also, I wonder if you have more rotten shit happen to you in life, if God gives you more good stuff to make up for it. That seems very contradictory to the Bible in parts, and even contradictory to the values of Kingdom theology that I hold…but that sneaking suspicion won’t go away because that seems to be what I see around me a lot.
I’m not in some terrible mood, I’m just finding myself very frustrated. I felt this way really bad one night and I emailed Jeff. He said I needed to focus on what Gods dream is for me, and to find the hard thing that God is asking me to do that I don’t want to do, and do it. But I feel like I’m asking for a dream and searching/asking for that hard thing and coming up empty. This made his advice frustrating although it was solid advice that I had already heard.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one who feels like I’m sitting on the edge of something great, but I can’t get to the great part….like I’m blocked, and I can’t see what is blocking me. Very cynical possibly, but annoyingly in my thoughts and feelings the last few weeks.
I probably should have shared that vision / picture last week when I had it. It has strongly been on my mind since then.