Why is it that sometimes feeling like I’m a super lucky person almost makes me sad?
I feel like everything worthwhile I’ve done (or that has happened to me) in my life is something that fell in my lap. My my degree (I literally got into my major when I probably shouldn’t have, and I definitely got my degree by the good graces of some friends and their friends that are profs.), my amazing roomates who I potlucked to get my freshman year, my best friend was sort-of randomly inserted into my life later that same freshman year, my co-op experience, my wife, my new job, etc.
Well, we were reading this passage in Romans during small group about how suffering leads to perservearance, perservearance leads to character, and character leads to hope. During this time I got to thinking about how I seem to be a guy that has a lot of hope. Right now my wife is freaking out about starting school, and not having secured housing yet (we are having some problems with this place we want to buy). I’m of the mind that it will work out OK, and we’ll have some kind of housing at the end of september. I have no doubts that when we decide as a church to buy property that we will be able to do it and it will be an exciting time for our church. I have no doubts that our church is going to reach 100 people by lent next year (maybe easter sunday…I’m not really clear on that part).
But why do I have this hope, if I’ve never had that much suffering through which I perserveared, and subsequently developed character, and gained hope? Well, I figure that I hope in the continuation of my good luck. Hasn’t failed me so far in anything major yet, so why worry about it. Isn’t this a bad thing? Shouldn’t I have to suffer for my belief in the gospel? If I’m not suffering does that mean I’m missing something major God is telling me to do? Did I possibly inherit this character from my families suffering, and did I inherit it at such a young age that looking back now big problems seem small because I was in-fact small at the time they happened?
Or, is God building something continually in me, and this is not in fact luck, but devine providence to guide me to some place.
Well, I got some data that supports the luck thing, cuz I was lucky even when I was pretty heavily sinning and turning away from God late in high school and early in college. And, I seem to have data to support the God thing, from when things got bad (not because I lost my luck, but because I was depressed with some random things…and I was severely sleep deprived for the better part of a year) and then they got better when I went back to the Church. (Capital C).
So, I suffer with this idea that I may be missing something because I have derived my sense of hope / faith from erroneous sources. That concerns me a lot lately. But, my faith that things will go well has served me well, so I’m not about to become a super pessamist (even though I’m pessamistic at times) to try and fix the problem. Also, I believe hopeful person is objectively more useful in society…but that is neither here nor there.
Well, that is enough of that. More brain spilling out on the page here…so take it how you will.
Thank you,
And Goodmorning.