If you listen to Dave Schmelzer preach about having fights in relationships he always says something I’ve found profound in the last couple of years. (September 10, 2006 – a good example of one of these sermons)
He says “feel your feelings, but don’t trust them.” And usually follows up with advice about leading into a conversation to resolve conflict by stating a feeling instead of a judgment or by placing blame.
This is an idea that is aimed at the people who feel like they are superior to someone else because they refrain from being emotional in an argument. He says if you completely ignore your feelings, or you don’t respond at all to your feelings you are most likely just silently, or not so silently, judging the other person instead of seeing where you can actually being to make things better.
That is me.
I can often be that way. I lead in to conversations with blame instead of just opening up that my feelings are/were hurt. I can be cold and calculating, and I can explode on you in a overly-harsh frenzy of criticism.
I think the biggest reason for this is that I always think I’m right.
I do, so do a lot of you reading this. I’m that kind of guy. I’ve thought through what we’re talking about, and I’ve arrived at what I believe is the most correct conclusion and then I harshly apply that conclusion to you like Jerry applies a sledge hammer to Tom’s head. And then I tell you all the reasons your thinking is wrong and repeat the process.
It is a tactic that has worked well for me in the past from a manipulative standpoint. Sort of a ‘break-it-down and build it back up how I see best’ kind of idea. I’ve often gotten what I want out of people this way. I’ve sometimes even helped people correct actual problems they had using this method, that I had little or nothing to gain from it…sort of a nice way of manipulating people for their benefit.
But, a few years ago I decided to try to move away from this way of working on things…it makes me much less fun in a debate.
I’ve tried to teach myself that what I’m feeling is valid, and that needs to be considered into what I’m thinking about. I’ve also tried to apply the second half of Schmelzer’s statement to my thinking about my feelings in that my feelings are an excuse to rationalize my conclusions, they are a valid concern, but automatically I cannot think completely objectively about any situation if my feelings are involved.
So, once I’ve processed some of my feelings, I then think about what I can do to change the situation. This time, I’m not thinking about how to get someone to change, or how to manipulate someone into doing what I want. I’m not maneuvering behind anyone’s back and trying to say the right thing to the right people to swing groups of people to my ‘rightness’. Instead I think about what in my behavior or speech needs to change to appropriately address my feelings with the person that I feel has wronged me, while including their feelings and point of view so that we can actually work things out in a way that is best for both people.
Schmelzer also says in one of his sermons on this topic (not the one from September of this year) that fights in relationships are a great opportunity to change yourself, because they expose places where you might need to ask for more of God’s grace, or places where you legitimately hurt someones feelings, or did something inappropriate.
All this is to say, that exposing my feelings, and looking inside of me for ways to change the situation, instead of trying exert my will on things external to me in such a way that it benefits me, is very difficult. I’m super afraid of being wrong. Cuz if I’m right than I’m justified in any action I take, and I can rationalize away guilt. My favorite way of doing this used to be, and sometimes still is “Well, that person needs to change X anyway, I’ll just help them do it.” It is pretty scary to not allow myself that cover. It definitely hurts my self confidence sometimes, but probably in a good way.
I still suck at it exposing myself that way, but I’m working on it. But I think I fight better in my marriage because of it. I think that in a lot of ways conflicts I’ve had in the last six months or so have played out much better than conflicts in the past because of this.
Well, now I have publicly stated one of my deep fears. That is oddly liberating.