Josh Carlson and I are going to run for president and vice president in ’08. We have not yet determined which one of us will be the presidential nominee, so we have decided to leave that to you, the voter / write-inner for the primary.
It has been decided that we are going to run the nastiest, dirtiest, ugliest campaigns for the primary the world has ever seen. Then, we will follow that up with the cleanest (at least it will be clean relative to us not attacking our opponents) regular election campaign the world has ever seen.
In fact, we have even decided to script out our entire campaign ahead of time. We will have planned press releases…mostly nonsensical…along with planned and scripted debates against eachother. And, we are going to revolutionize the theatrics of modern campaigns by open-sourcing our entire campaign.
We believe we can be successful in being elected to a position we cannot hold because we are not 35 yet because of the following things.
1) Around the country campuses everywhere are realizing that student political organizations are a sham for power-obsessed resume-boosting kiss-asses. Those students are now older, wiser, and still seeing similar power-obsessions from their nationally elected officials. This makes everyone more likely to not vote. So, we believe scripting our campaign will get the people who don’t regularly vote, to come out and vote for us.
2) We, like the winning democratic party from this year, are not Bush.
3) Politicians are no longer professional law-makers, but have become professional vote-getters. This profession is not better than Hollywood acting, but is vastly more pretentious, and power hungry. They promise much in carefully rehearsed speeches, deliver none to little of it with any type of real action, and then recite more carefully rehearsed speeches blaming the opposition for not delivering on their promises. Most people don’t like this, and have caught on to it. They also know that those actors will say whatever is necessary to get your vote, and not say what they really think.
4) We love money and power, and have neither, so we desire to get both. But, at least we are HONEST about our intentions. We make no claims about actually caring about what the voter wants, and we don’t pretend this is a democracy…we know it is a republic and are completely aware that after being elected we can vote how we want in the senate, and veto any bill we want, and this will have little baring on our re-election, because we all know that how well Alan Greenspan is at doing his job, and how well we come off in the media is really what determines an incumbents success.
5) Scripting a campaign means we can be funny in our negative political attack ads. And what the world really needs is more funny. Laughter helps the economy more than broken campaign promises. So, that is why we will pledge only to TRY to be funny. And that is why we want to hire Rob Schmitt as our speech writer.
6) We believe labeling someone as a liberal or conservative is not an appropriate way to bash someone politically. So we promise to only negatively use those terms when mocking other really bad campaign ads. Mostly we believe we are going to default to low-brow “Your Mom” jokes and some high-brow deadpan wit for our attack ads. We are also thinking of possibly making fun of people as if they are sleeping with their relatives…but nothing is official yet on that.
7) Based on the recent success of the television show LOST we have noticed that people like to be strung along with dangling plot lines, that seem to be written and filmed at the last minute. So, we have decided to hire the writing staff of LOST to write out our political fiasco’s as events unfold once we are elected. We say this because we know we can script our campaign, which has some fairly rigid boundaries on what we can and cannot do, but we cannot script the actions of various other sovereign nations. So we know we will have to bring in the big guns who can write spontaneously as if there is no end in sight, and LOST seems to do that the best while capturing the most people’s attentions, and holding them glued to the TV like they are doing endless weekly doses of crack.
Although, on a personal level, Josh and I both prefer Heroes.
And there you have it. Write one of us in on your ballot during the primary in ’08, or there will be nothing intentionally funny said or done during that election.