OK, so before I write anything that is actual value I would like to point out that even after uninstalling and deleting any remaining files for my blog posting client, and then reinstalling it after a reboot, my laptop cannot detect when I spell the word “again” as “agian”, which is probably my most common spelling mistake, but on my desktop in my room, no problems….I just typed the word in first off and spell checked it….sure enough…it offered to correct it for me. There is some foul play afoot, and I must find out what it is.
Now for something completely different.
So, after a lot of talking with Lauren about some important stuff tonight, I got to thinking on the way home, that effecting actual changes in thought patterns is very difficult. I have mentioned before that it is my desire to no longer focus on the things people do that particularly aggravate me. This is because I am tired of constantly trying to suppress rage and anger in the prescience of people, which is primarily because I know it will affect no good at that point (this is something I have improved at already, I used to explode at people whenever I had a reason), only to get mad later while thinking about all the things I should have said in a retaliatory manner to make myself feel better at the moment. This in turn makes me more upset, which drives on to bitterness. So, at any rate, I know that partly to change I have to focus on being methodical about it. I must identify when I am in a situation where I have the tendency to react in a way that I am trying to change, then I have to make the decision that I will not fall into that pattern again. Then I must replace that pattern with a response that justifies how I feel, at least in part, that does not offend the other person, or replace it with just ignoring them, which often works just as well. Finally I must tell myself that this person will not effect a change with me telling them that they need to because I am offended, nor will they react in a manner that I am any happier with when I commence the tongue lashing, and moral/verbal abuse that I am quite capable of.
I sorta probably give the impression that I have a plan of action here…which most would term a good thing, but there is a problem. First off, this is for me, and only for dealing with people that I can’t deal with in a regular manner….most my friends and acquaintances I simply talk to about how I feel, but this process or something similar has helped to eliminate some of the snags I used to run into during those conversations as well. Some people though, I can’t deal with by talking to them, therefore, their actions that royally piss me off must be dealt with otherwise. Also, Lauren cannot deal with certain things this way, making a very straight pattern that must be remembered in the situation and put into action or committed as a reminder doesn’t work all the time for her. She can deal with people in this manner most of the time, even when I can’t, but not with other things. It is just the way she works right now, maybe sometime down the road she can develop a way to utilize something like this for most situations, but not right now. Secondly, this is just freaking hard to do…not just for Lauren, but anyone. When somebody pisses you off, most the time don’t you want blood. I mean seriously, if I’m annoyed at someone and they want to spout crap that just makes it worse, I want to retaliate. But I have been reading about agape love. Agape is the Greek word used for love throughout the new testament, and I found a definition that I particularly liked the phrasing of, and it is; “Agape has to do with the mind: it is not simply an emotion which rises unbidden in our hearts; it is a principle by which we deliberately live” and the author of this web page borrowed that from a book called “New Testament Words”. Now this is not an easy type of love to commit to, but Jesus says in Mathew 5:44 that we must have this kind of love for not only our neighbors, but also our enemies (which I will read for my purposes as “people who royally piss me off”).
So I guess my question is how do you go about setting permanent changes to your mindset? Is there any other way besides slowly and methodically trying to employ new sets of rules in your mind to govern your emotions and how you would naturally respond to situations? I know I’ve changed some stuff about how I think, and it was gradual, but this is just one example of a few things in my life that just will not go away. And more importantly, how do you love someone deliberate way when they just seem to spit back in your face. Some people know a friend who no matter what I do, he just seems to lash out at me at any time he could. Everyone has a person or two in their life that is like that, it just so happens that right now mine are all related to me or used to be my best friends. So how do you love a person like that. I am trying to love them in a slow and deliberate way, but this aching desire to rip out their vocal cords just so I don’t have to listen to them speak, and so they don’t have the opportunity to shoot down every time I try to affrim them. Anyway, this is turning into me half whining and half trying to actually stop whining and complaining, so I will stick to just trying to stop by saying….thoughts would be appreciated.
Eleanor says
I find that changing your habits/way you think is probably the most difficult thing to try and do, too. For example, I’m trying to be more outgoing, and it takes a HUGE effort for me to go up to people I don’t know and talk to them and be friendly and talkative. LOL
Anyway, with regards to changing how you think, I’d suggest trying to look at the other person’s point of view. Maybe they don’t realize the behavior upsets you, or maybe they have a reason for acting that way which isn’t immediately obvious. This doesn’t work all the time, but for me it usually calms down my anger and lets me put up with whatever thing I don’t like.
Dirk says
I personally like to say little matras (sp?) whenever I do something that I shouldn’t. For example, whenever I start beating myself up for doing something stupid I like to repeat phrases that pick me up or work against self defeating thought processes.
Perhaps you could repeat something like “don’t rip this guy’s vocal chords out of his neck, don’t rip this guy’s vocal chords out of his neck, don’t rip……”
Ben says
That is a funny mantra…That might work pretty nice, but the issue is being able to remember that, because if I could, I would just go through the process I mentioned before.
rocky says
Yes! Ben, you are really asking the right question. I think once you have arrived at these kinds of questions, a whole new vista of maturity will open up.
I like this question so much because it does not ask the obvious, more immature questions like:
1. How do I change people that piss me off?
2. How can I avoid all situations that annoy me?
3. How can I stop feeling guilty for my bad reactions?
Instead, you are asking “How can I change?”
THAT is the right question. It is the Jesus question. My friend Peter (whom I rarely invoke these days) often said that one of the centers of Christianity was to be self-critical. That is, as Christians, we figure out what WE have done wrong, how WE can more honor God, how WE can respond to injustice with love.
As far as answering your question, I have found that change is not like Computer Programming. you can’t come up with a starightforward, formulaic response. Change is more like suntanning. The more you’re in God’s presence, the more you meditate on him, the more godly you become.
Maybe suntanning is a bad analogy because it’s passive. It’s like, if a 95 pound kid wanted to know how to be a better liunebacker, the first thing you would say wouldn’t be, “here’s how to tackle”, or “here’s the playbook”. It would be more like “this is a bench press” and “this is a protein shake”.
So the question of how to love those who piss us off isn’t so much “this is a loving response” or “this is an emotional tool”. It’s more like “This is a Bible. Read it a lot.”, or “this is the Lord’s Prayer. Say it a lot.”
And then the loving responses and emotional tools will become much more usable…
. says
You have brought up some interesting points about changing your thinking, but I’m not going to address those with my thoughts at this point. I simply want to give some advice pertaining to your friend that keeps pushing you away or spitting back in your face. You use the word agape. Naturally this word to you brings about a Christian idea of love. Maybe you should try philio, brotherly love. Trying to reach out to someone by being their witness or saviour or whatever often will push them further away. Especially if they aren’t at a point right now where they want to relinquish control of their life to god. Many people don’t want to be evangelized. Try just stopping the “holier agape love” stuff and being like you used to be when you were friends.
When people are having hard times in their lives, many don’t want you to throw in their faces, “if you knew god…” They want to try and make sense of things in their own way and in their own time. Try letting them. If you honestly attempt this, I can’t see things not getting better.
Jason says
I think that your laptop has adjusted to your writing style. It accepts your typo?s because it loves you the way that you are. Sorta like a loyal dog. At least that would neat if it were the case?then again your laptop could be trying to ruin you. It is a fine line either way.
I think you are asking the right question, as well, when you ask “what can I do?” The thing about anger is that it is a secondary emotion. There has to be an experience that leads to an emotion that causes anger. Anger usually has its roots in fear, hurt, and frustration. Example: I am talking to someone who does not make eye contact while I am speaking to them and when I ask for feed back they just brush me off. My first emotion is hurt and rejection and from that point I choose how to react to it. Anger is not bad; in fact it can be very useful. It is the unhealthy expression of anger that is bad. The classes that Jae and I have been taking deal with how to manage emotions and communicate more effectively. There is a pattern that the mind goes through once we have an experience whether good or bad. Here is what I have learned on that pattern: We first have an experience then we respond by having an emotion (happiness, sadness, etc…). At that point we choose what we do with that emotion. We either filter it through out consciousness so that we can ponder the options and make choices or we stuff it. When we stuff our emotions they will come out in one form or another. I have found that emotions are very real and do not just disappear. The emotions that are stuffed will come out in the forms of Acting Out or Acting In. When we act out we do it through behavior (aggressive, passive-aggressive) and when we act in we do it through the body (Psychosomatic, etc…).
The better of the two ways of dealing with things is to feed the emotion though the consciousness and look at it rationally, and then make choices. But first we have to have the tools to do that. Unfortunately, this does require teaching since we are all well set in our patterns. One of the many good things that we Christians have going for us in this, is we have the Holy Spirit to intercede and to give us the right perspective. If ya want I can show you some of the materials that I have. The good news is that patterns can be changed and you are not a slave to your emotions. We can bring the soul (will, mind, and emotions) under control of our Spirit, in doing so we have control of the body.
Lauren says
I don’t believe that Philio love and Agape love are mutually exclusive, in fact, I think they work together in a lot of ways. There is a misconception that Christians only love people as a vessel to convert them to Christianity, and I can’t say I’m surprised at this idea considering how some people go about it. But Agape love is not about evangelizing people or trying to get them to believe in God. All it means is loving someone unconditionally, no matter what they do or whether they return your love at all. It means being willing to sacrifice and give of yourself for that person, without expecting anything in return. It means loving someone without ulterior motives, without requiring them to do anything at all. While it is very difficult to give this kind of love, it is painless to accept it.