As an engineer one of the things I spend a lot of time doing, is answering the “why?” question. Why did something fail, what caused it, how do we keep it from happening again.
But, when the problem becomes personal pain, my pain, and the obvious question is “why?”, “why pain?”, “why pain at all” and “how do i keep from hurting again?”
The problem of my pain seems inextricably linked to the question of “why pain?” to me. I’ve spent quite a bit of time and energy going after some answers to this question in the hopes to ease my pain, or to at least be OK with trusting God again.
What I have found, as many pastors have pointed out and many good books have stated, the solution to the problem and the answer to the question seem to be very much unattached. This is partially because I think the Bible points out that God is not subject to our accusations, and when we ask “why” we are, in essence, making an accusation against God. That is definitely what Job was doing. I still wonder if the answer to the great “why” is unknowable to humanity, and also wonder why God seems to rarely choose to share the answer with us for peoples specific issues of pain.
I feel a little like a cop-out, like I’m intellectually weak or something, but I don’t see a way to tackle this question any more and not be in a living hell of circular logic and pain. And, I haven’t been able to see a methodology / theology that answers my questions.
So, instead I focus on the solution. The solution is to begin to try to ask God to show me how to trust him again, and to honestly say to him “I would like to trust you, help me do that again.” Then over time I need to begin to try to say “I want to forgive, and move on, but I don’t feel like I can. Help me be able to do that.” Slowly and surely I am now trying to thank God for the things he will do and is doing in the midst of the pain, and to show me what those things are. And, I am trying to accept that he is doing things, but I may never connect them together.
In essence, I’m moving on and giving up my right to ask the question, and trying to trust God again and ask him to change things but thanking him for things as they are right now even if they don’t change.
It is really hard, and every part of my mind screams about giving up on answering this question. But it literally was tearing me apart to pursue it while in the midst of pain and depression. Maybe someday I’ll go back and study much harder this question (I know the reading and thinking I did on it is by no means nearing the tip of the ice berg in terms of what is available to learn). For now though, I have to turn and move on or face possibility of sinking slowly into my own depressive abyss.
Dianne says
This seems wise. I look forward someday to the chats that we could have when I come visit. I too have recently had to face my own distrust of God in particular areas.