I’m afraid of taking pride in myself. I’m afraid of this because I know it is a deceptively hard thing to see. I know that lots of people who have pride issues have no idea that they are taking pride in themselves. This scares me as my tendency is to lean in that direction, and I’m afraid I can’t see where I would be crossing a line.
I also know that it is hard to nail down self-centeredness. Lots of times I’ve pointed out where I think some people are being self-centered (either to them directly or someone else while bitching about them), but then thought about how if I applied my reasoning to myself I would probably come up lacking.
This is a circular line of reasoning of course. If you are worried that you are stuck in a self-centered or prideful pattern (usually pride = self centeredness but not the other way around), then you likely will think yourself into that pattern. Meanwhile, if you have no idea that you are being self-centered you likely will not magically wake up one day and say “Oh wow, I’m a self-centered prick…I should change that.”
So, this is where I get concerned. I don’t want to trash my appropriate sense of self-worth (if I have an ‘appropriate’ sense of that), and likewise I don’t want to walk around ignoring other people’s thoughts an emotions when I can’t even look in the mirror to see how I’m acting towards them.
And, then I apply this filter outwards and when I look at someone and think, “there is a pride-filled asshole, who only thinks about themselves” I have to ask bring it around and wonder if I’m only saying that because it is a great trick to preemptively call someone out on that to cover your own ass.
I actually find I’m most likely to point out someone else’s self-centeredness when it has directly come into conflict with what I want or what I think is right.
But, my question is then. Does that make my pointing it out wrong? Is my perception of the situation completely tainted because of my issues? Is a person not being self-centered or full of pride because I am too?
And, how do you handle that. How does that apply to how I lead small group, or run the sound board, or whatever else I do where I directly am helping people in a way where I want to show them Jesus and not me.
Some of the worst hurts I’ve had from the church come from people being self-centered and prideful, but yet hypocritically trying to lead programs and ministries. I want to avoid that in the worst way, and yet still be able to point out where I see other things lacking, and make myself open to constructive criticism.
Where is the line, where I’m not leading something to make myself look good or get what I want, but I’m actually taking appropriate authority, and showing people Jesus while doing a good job of accomplishing what I set out to do.
Where is the line, where I can receive appropriate criticism, but still weed out those who aren’t safe, and are running around telling people ‘hard truths’ because that is what Jesus would do, but actually have no compassion and no regard for feelings (which Jesus had).
Where is the line, where I can weigh criticisms I form in my mind and give them where I see necessary, and yet not fall into the patterns of the people that have burnt me in the past. And when trying to do that, how do I avoid falling silent. Sometimes we will be the person who has an appropriate concern. And often those concerns are in areas we are passionate about, areas that need a champion…so where is the line between rationalism and appropriate passions. How do I hear appropriate passions from a champion when I’m faced with making a decision about things I’m in charge of?
This is one of the biggest areas where I question myself. I worry constantly that I’m in a closed loop on one or the other side of this fence, and that I’m never balancing on top of it. But I can’t see my way to walk this line well. I wish I had more roll-models, people I trusted who I thought did this well. But sadly, for me this is a hard line to see, which makes it even harder yet for me to see someone else walking it.
The only other thing I’ve noticed about this problem in my life, is that if I do think that I’m being too full of pride and self-centeredness, or I think that I’m hiding behind my fear of it, I find God very difficult to hear. I find it hard to listen when I pray, and harder yet to discern God’s voice from the random noise in my head.