Well, here it is….T-minus 2 hours to the comedic movie of the retardation (at least for the moment) and we are preparing in true male fashion. I just ate my fill of good red meat, and fries….and I’m currently drinking a beer. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is playing on the DVD machine, and now I will add my part to Rob, Seth and my series on the modern male, and dilemmas he is faced with in our society. Specifically I will be dealing with “Bros before Hos?” (I don’t particularly like the term “Hos” but it is the common phrase to describe what we’re talking about….but I will avoid the term for the rest of the entry) So, follow the link and read on for my long stupid rant, but I warn you, it is long, and silly.
I am in an interesting position to be writing this…it also has the most potential to get me in the most trouble, which is why I have to write it (according to Rob and Seth). Besides, it was either this, or “Eat more vs. Get up and take a Dump” (which I may write later or have Seth write it because he had an interesting take on it) so I got stuck with this one. Rob is writing a piece on “contact comfort” and Seth will be writing on “Why Can’t I have Super Powers?”
But anyway, enough with that stuff, and on to the good part. I will start by saying this is a problem that all men deal with, which is why we want to carry on about it for a while….so you can laugh at our accurate, or not so accurate assessments of these little facets of life. I have, as all men have, dealt with this problem from both ends on many occasions. At one point during my senior year in high school I had to make an agreement with my then girlfriend that she would stay at college more, and I would get to spend more time with my guy friends. Also, I tried to visit her a little more more often (since I had access to a car), and she would try to make sure that she would get along with my friends so we could all hang out together. This worked well. So, stating that I have come up with a partial solution to this at at least one point in my life, I now instate my self an expert. To further my point, I will say that no guy friend of mine has ever felt shorted by my lack of presence at guy functions (such as tonight), so I am most definitely an expert.
Having established my expertness, I will say that this is a problem easily defined by your earliest dating experience….remember the first time you ever kissed a girl. Remember how that felt, didn’t it seem like the most amazing thing ever. From there you progressed to the full on make out session. Remember how much time you spent making out with your significant other. Didn’t it seem like time stopped, and all you could grasp was the making out and the desire to continue doing so forever. Now, think about what you were doing the first time that one of your buddies started dating a girl. Do you remember what happened to him….didn’t it seem like he dropped of the face of the earth. You would especially notice if you were not the first guy in the neighborhood to start dating. Because when that first guy started “going out” with a girl for the first time, you really noticed that he was almost always absent from the times when you blew stuff up, or dug holes, or photocopied your ass on the church copying machi……oh,…uh,…yeah,…..scratch that last one…….well you get my point though, he wasn’t there for the local guy stuff. So, now you know what I’m talking about….ditching your Bros for the booutay, or the prospect of booutay.
The problem isn’t about one guy who does this, it is about how all of us are to grow out of this phase. It is also about making fun of “that guy” who isn’t married, but disappears like he is, but that is for later. As we grow up we find out that life isn’t just about the nookie….thats right….you may “do it all for the nookie” but it isn’t all about the nookie. You should be asking yourself, if life isn’t about the nookie, what is it about? And I have the answer to that question. Stupidity and Beer. Because when these powerful allies get together, only good things come out of it….and this can, but doesn’t always trump the nookie. I see it like a powerful trio. Like each one is a point on triangle, and happiness lies somewhere in the middle….like the trinity of male contentment. I think you are happiest when you are somehow combining all three….possibly as close to the same time as you can get them.
How do you mix all three of these things so that all parties concerned are happy, that is the trick. The words of Rob are “I’m happiest after some deep dickin’ followed by a night on the town.” While I don’t exactly think this is precisely the answer that will fulfill most peoples expectations, I do think the sentiment is correct. By nookie, I don’t necessarily mean sex, but I do mean time giving and receiving in a relationship….perferably the kind of giving and receiving that is most pleasing to both parties…that could be some special attention for your significant other, or it could mean nookie time, or it could mean paying some dues with a romantic comedy and a night on the couch. But, this must be balanced. To balance you must first, include your significant other in some of the stupidity and beer. Even if they don’t partake in the beer, or don’t completely partake in the stupidity, but they must at least be asked to participate and most preferably be present at some time during said stupidity. They need to know a little taste of how the stupidity goes, so they aren’t particularly surprised by any stories brought home after a night without her….such as blowing up a beer keg. This will also show her how much you enjoy the time spent with “the guys,” and if she truly is meant for you she will see the expression of sheer male joy on your face, and allow guy time to happen on occasion. So, now it is your job to make sure to draw out the male bonding time. You must, must, must, exclaim how much balance between guy time and romantic comedy time helps you desire your significant other. Because sooner or later you feel like your a washed down, drawn out shadow of a man, and you need to recoup with some beer mixed with testosterone. This time is to your dating relationship as spinach is to Popeye. The most important part to all this, is DO NOT LIE, to hang out with your friends. That is correct all you playaz out there, do not lie. You must be completely honest with your wishes and desires. You have to tell her that sometimes you just want to be with the guys, and the more you are forced to spend time exclaiming how fat she doesn’t look in a dress the more time you need with the guys. It has nothing to do with not being attracted to her, it has everything to do with wanting some time for you and your friends. Now, guys don’t like to admit it, but when a companion at arms dies by the bite of the love bug they miss him. They notice his absence, they sense that the level of stupidity could have gotten even higher if that person would just take a little time to be around, and that makes him sad….well, as sad as a man can be over another man not being around anyway. After extended periods like this they will even become more upset to the point of no longer trying to catch up that missing guy on recent male developments in his absence, and even mock him for asking what happens in while he is gone….saying such things as “why do you care Mr. Whipped” or “nothing you would understand, because you lost your penis” or the ever popular “do you even like beer anymore…..I thought you would be drinking abhor mist by now.” This is a sad sad day….
But fortunately, these statements are broken out only on a rare occasion. Partially because this does not happen to the married man…..often anyway. The married man has a Get out of Jail Free card with the guys. He has obligations….he has duties added onto him by his new-found wife. Every man understands the nagging factor…(refer to Modern Male: Dilemma) and he respects that nagging factor. But sometimes the nagging must be endured, so that beer fueled stupidity can be allowed to flourish once again. Now, the other occasion that causes ridicule is “that guy.” You all know one. The guy that disappears for long lengths of time, and when he does manage to be around the guys he is always getting called and planning his next opportunity to get away from you so he can go be with the girl again. And you find him giving up time that you normally would do guy stuff, to go hang out with a girl and her friends. He even gives up beer drinking time, pre-arranged or spontaneous, and with no cause, or a very lame excuse….but nothing really worth ditching beer time or football. He is the one that also speaks only in a manner to gain the favor of the fairer sex, even if that means stepping over guy boundries…of which there are few. This man must boo’d…..that is what you must do….boo this man. Never let him live it down that he is “that guy.” To avoid being “that guy” remember my rules of balance….don’t ditch on any male bonding time just because there is a lull in the stupidery or beer drinking, don’t answer the phone at hooters, and for Gods sake, if someone says he’s gonna blow stuff up or photocopy body parts, whatever else you have planned can wait. These things should clue you into the fact that you may be “that guy” and my only guide to you if you think you may be, I don’t know how to fix you. You have rooted yourself in these tendencies, so you can use this as a guide to win back some of your friends, but you are ultimately going to have to unlearn some tendencies in order to get out of the rut.
The triangle is the key, happiness for all lies within. You aren’t above the stupidness, or the beer, so don’t pretend like you are….no matter who is in the room. You can downplay, but don’t deny, for happiness lies within. Think of it like Peter denying Christ…only without the eternal implication….just beer related consequences. This is advice that we call can learn from…even the man giving it.
If you can think of any good suggestions on how to balance the Bros with the Ladies (I don’t really like the term “Hos” very well), feel free to comment, but mostly this is a simple guide to discuss the fact that it is impossible to avoid at one point or another in your life….but you should take from this that balance is key, and don’t be “that guy” because you will be ridiculed for a long time.